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Steffi Steffi ist weiblich
...ist der Boss!!


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Dabei seit: 16.05.2007
Beiträge: 10.755
90210-Liebling: Kelly
Lieblingspaar: Kelly & Dylan

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@SMJ
Diese Woche gehts auch aufm LJ weiter. Ich arbeite daran.

Zitat:
Changes, Part 8

Brians POV

I kept my shirt and looked down at it. It was an Armani shirt, expensive and that little fucker threw it at me. Fuck! Fuck everything! How dare he? How dare he to call me just to tell me that he wanted to have a break and then show up later that night? How dare he to blame me for not falling onto my knees because he came back?

“Fuck this!” I yelled and threw the shirt to the floor. I hated feeling like this. Why does this keep happening?

“Brian…”

And why couldn’t he just leave me alone and try to find someone else, someone who could easily answer his questions and know how to react to all that fucking relationship bullshit? I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. I heard him coming back to the bed and crawling on it again. Why was he here? Why did he come back?

I knew what a ‘break’ meant. They’re usually the beginning of the end. With him living in New York and me living in Pittsburgh this would be the final break up.

“Look, I’m sorry…”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to hear an apology. I wasn’t angry, at least not much, and not so much at him. I was angry at myself. I should’ve seen it coming. I always should be able to see it coming, but I never did because I had no fucking idea how this was supposed to work.

“Ted and Blake want to adopt a child,” I told him. “That’s what he told me this morning and that he needed a few days off to take care of it. Two minutes later you called me and told me that you wanted a break, and that you didn’t want to come hom… to Pittsburgh this weekend. And I thought about it. A kid, a home... a monogamous relationship.”

“And you didn’t like the thought of all that?” Justin replied.

“It scared the shit out of me.” I looked at him, and I was sure he could see the angst in my eyes. “I can’t do this.”

“Still, it’s not an option right now, but… you never broke the rules, why are you so sure you would fuck this up?” he asked and I looked down again. How was I supposed to explain that? I couldn’t take the risk and end up like my father. Unhappy, depressed, and caught in a life he never wanted to live. What kind of life did I want to live?

“It’s my fault, isn’t it?” Justin said. “Because I said I wanted a break and it reminded you of what had happened before, how I left you twice. Brian, it had nothing to do with you.”

Yeah, sure. I gave him a How could it not have anything to do with me? look - after all, I was still a part of what he wanted to have a break from, wasn’t I?

He sighed. “I mean, it was not because of you. You didn’t do anything wrong. At least nothing I hadn’t done, too. And it was never meant as a break up, never, not for a second, I swear.”

I looked down again when he took my hand in his. This would be harder than all the times before. He wouldn’t just leave; he was not agreeing with me that he should find someone else. I still thought in the end he would leave anyway, it was just a matter of time.

“It’s easier for me than it is for you,” he said. “I know that you’ll be here, always, and that you would never leave me and… that you will never fall for someone else. I admit that having the privilege to be the only guy you have ever really fallen in love with is a great feeling and a wonderful comfort. I wish I could do anything to make you feel the same about me, but I guess… with two break ups in our history, it’s too late for that.”

Why the fuck did he had so much trust in me? No one ever had! I looked up.

“I know you don’t believe in promises, so I won’t offer you one, but…” He crawled a little closer and smiled at me, why the fuck was he smiling? I wouldn’t survive this being-in-love-shit, it would kill me sooner or later. “I can tell you that there hasn’t been one single day since we met that I haven’t been totally head over heals in love with you. Sometimes it’s just no so easy to be with you. And I don’t know what’s going to happen in one year or ten years or twenty years, but right now… I want to be with you and only you.”

Would he ever understand that words like that scared the shit out of me? How was I supposed to respond to that?



Justin's POV


There were two possibilities what the look he gave me could mean:

1. He would burst into tears
2. He would burst out into laughter

Well… he didn’t do either… he just looked at me. He was obviously scared – again. How the fuck could one person be so fucking insecure about everything that had to do with love and trust? I knew his parents sucked, but… good god, it must have been hell on earth. That man had absolutely no trust in love. He practically expected people to leave him sooner or later and when they do… he just lets them leave him. I always wondered why he did that. Why he never asked me to stay when I was about to leave him. I’m still not sure if I’ve figured it out, but maybe he was just scared of getting dumped anyway. Maybe he was just so scared that if he asked someone to help him, to stay with him, to love him… that this person would say “No”. Maybe that’s what his parents did…

“So, Ted told you this morning that he and Blake want to adopt?” I asked him and he nodded. Great, my final decision for the fucking break I thought I needed, but didn’t really want was because I thought he had kept that from me. “That’s… cool.”

“Why are you here?” he asked.

“Because I wanted to.” As stupid as it sounded, it was that simple. “Why are you here?”

He shrugged. “Where else would I be?”

And then he says things like that, simply adorable things… I’m sure he didn’t even realize what he just said because in his head he was still caught up with all the fears he had about being in a relationship. Words like that never came out of his mind, they came from his heart.

“We’re drifting apart, Brian,” I said. “I don’t know when it started, but it did and it kept going on and on and I’m scared that we can’t stop it anymore.”

He nodded.

“I thought staying in New York instead of coming home would help me. I thought I could take the time to figure out what we could do… should do.”

“And you did?”

“Yes, I did.” Because someone said something that just clicked. “When I got home from work, Josh was there and he was surprised to see me, of course, since I never come home from work on a Friday. Then he asked me why I was still living there, why I never moved into a new apartment, a better place. I could easily pay for it and the shit-hole we’re living in not worth staying there if you don’t have to.”

He nodded. “And now you’re finally looking out for a new apartment?”

I stroked his hand. “I don’t want to say goodbye every Sunday and then be alone every day and every night. I want to be a part of your life and I need you to be a part of mine. Daily emails or phone calls are not the same.”

“Guess long distance relationships aren’t as easy as we thought.” He gave me a little smile. It wasn’t an honest smile, but at least he seemed to slowly leave his this won’t last attitude. “Unfortunately it’s too soon for Kinnetik to expand. I went through the calculations: I would have a huge loss, I wouldn’t be able to keep the prices stable, and the wage costs would explode. I could even lose some big clients and that’s not a good start. Not to mention that the economic crisis doesn’t help me either. If I want to expand to New York I have to plan for it as a long-term goal.”

I stared at him. And again I wondered if he realized what he was saying. Sure, he always dreamed about New York, but there was no fucking doubt that the reason for him to do those calculations was to be with me. So … in his head this wouldn’t last because we didn’t fit and he could never give me what (he thought) I wanted to have. But in his heart he was searching for ways to be together. “You really thought about expanding to New York?”

He shrugged. “I’ve always wanted to live there, remember?”

“You know what sucks the most? That you have no idea how incredibly amazing you are.” I leaned forward and kissed him, before he could say anything to ruin this moment again. After a few seconds he finally relaxed and grabbed my sweater to pull me closer. I leaned my forehead against his and laughed. “You’re such an idiot. You won’t fuck anything up, you’re just scared.”

“Shitless.”

“So am I. I don’t have a master plan either. I’m scared, too.”

“You’re going to be successful and famous and…”

I put a finger on his lips and looked him straight in the eyes. “I’m going to be with you. No matter where. And… I don’t have a problem with you tricking.”

Now he laughed at me. “Of course you do. You always have.”

I sighed. He was right, more or less. It wasn’t so much the tricking as itself, it was more the talking about it, the watching it to happen. As long as he was doing it but not in front of me, and as long as he didn’t tell me about a hot guy he had fucked – I didn’t have any problems with him tricking. However, as soon as it happened in front of me, it hurt. “I didn’t expect you to stop the tricking when I was living in New York, but…”

“But when you were here you wanted me to stop,” he nodded.

“Well, sometimes I just… wonder why I’m not enough for you. I mean, we always have a lot of sex and sometimes I don’t understand why after being with me you need to go out to fuck someone else.” I shrugged. “Guess from time to time it makes me feel… well… as if I’m not good enough.”

“O Christ.” He leaned his head back. He hated that kind of talk, I knew that. He hated having to explain himself and his behavior. I was willing to accept the tricking because I didn’t want him to stop being who he was and if he really needed to fuck other guys, I just wanted him to not tell me.

“Look, I just want you to…”

“It’s just fucking,” he said, and looked at me again. “I thought you knew that. I thought you knew that it doesn’t mean anything.”

“If it doesn’t mean anything then why are you doing it?”

“For fun. Just for fun. It’s just sex, just fucking, just getting off…”

I nodded. I knew that none of those guys meant anything to him, and as I told him before I wasn’t jealous of them. Sometimes it just hurt, but I wasn’t even sure what hurt more. Was it that he wanted or needed to fuck other guys, or that he didn’t care if I fucked someone else or if someone else fucked me? “And when you have to … get off, can’t you just… fuck me?”

“No!” He looked as me if that had been the stupidest question I’ve ever asked him. “I can not just fuck you. Thanks to your undeniable obsession for us to become partners, a real couple, and all that fucking romantic lesbian shit. I can not just fuck you! I always have to take care of your needs and make sure you are comfortable and all that.”

“Wow, having sex with me is really hard for you, huh?” I teased him, but couldn’t help smiling. He was just incredible.

“Very hard.”

I laughed and bumped his shoulder. “Look, I will always prefer to have you all to myself and that my ass is the only ass you want to fuck, but I won’t force you to live monogamously. Just… don’t tell me when you’re fucking around okay? And don’t do it when I’m there. All I want is something stable.”

He nodded. “Exactly what I never wanted.”

“O please!” I rolled my eyes at him. “You’re the shining example of wanting life with stability. Every time something changes you’re running straight into a midlife-crisis.”

“Houh wouh wouh… Fuck you! I never ran into a midlife crisis. I’m way too young for a midlife crisis.” He pulled me closer and kissed me again, longer, softer, but more passionate.

“You don’t want to break up with me, do you?” I whispered on his lips.

“No, I think I’ll keep you around for a while.”

I kissed him again and took off my shoes with my feet. What the fuck was I thinking when I told him I wanted to have a break? “And you still don’t want to live here?”

He stroked my cheek and frowned. “Is that a question?”

I shrugged. “If I would come home…”

“You can’t leave New York,” he shook his head. “We’ve already been through this. I don’t want you to sacrifice your career for me. We’ll find another way.”

“I did,” I said. “And it was so fucking easy, Brian. When Josh asked why I never looked for a better place to live, it was like … WHAM! Other than you, I never really dreamed about New York, at least not the way I got to know it. When I moved there, it was a challenge and it was kinda cool, but I always wanted to come back home. I know you can’t understand that because New York still has this magical super-image for you, but I never planned on staying there forever, I never planned on settling there. It never became home to me. I don’t need to live there just to visit art shows all around New York. I don’t even have a studio there. And if it’s really necessary for me to be there, where’s the problem? Bill doesn’t need me to live there.”

“What about Zack?” he asked. “You want to quit your job? You’re practically the star of his company.”

“I’m working online, I’ve never met any of my clients in person and sending emails or making phone calls can easily be done from here. I’ll put a desk in my studio and that can be my workplace. I haven’t talk to Zack yet, but theoretically it’s possible for me to work from here. And again, if he really needs me to be in New York for a project or whatever… I can go there. It would be a business trip. I…”

I stopped myself when I saw the look his face, and I burst out laughing. He looked as if he was freaking out every second. “Having me around 24/7 scares you a lot.”

“Well, I didn’t see that coming.”

I didn’t see it coming either, but since Josh had asked me that simple question I knew it was the answer I was looking for. “You don’t want me to be here?”

He rolled his eyes. “Stop talking shit!” And then he kissed me.

That kiss was even more amazing than the others. It was wonderful and relaxed and lovely. He pushed me down on my back and rolled onto me. Unfortunately I was still fully dressed.

“You do want me to be here,” I whispered on his lips.

He was stroking my hair and kissed my cheeks, my nose, my lips… “I’m keeping the loft. It’s easier for early meetings or business trips.”

And for fucking tricks. I appreciated that he called it early meetings and business trips and I just nodded. “I love the loft.”

He kissed my chin. “I hired a manager for Babylon last month; I don’t have to be there every night anymore.”

And during those nights I was enough for him to “get off”. I nodded again. “I love Babylon.”

“I found a vegetarian restaurant with delivery service 10 minutes from here, very tasty and no carbs.”

That probably meant exactly what he said. I let my fingers stroke over his back. “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of making sure there’s some carbs for me in the house.”

He smiled at me and pressed himself against me. “I’m going to fuck you all night.”

I closed my eyes. “I love you.”

TBC


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Steffi Steffi ist weiblich
...ist der Boss!!


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Dabei seit: 16.05.2007
Beiträge: 10.755
90210-Liebling: Kelly
Lieblingspaar: Kelly & Dylan

Themenstarter Thema begonnen von Steffi
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Zitat:
Changes, Part 9

Justin's POV

“O my god, I’m so sorry to hear that,” Emmett said, and everyone on the table just nodded, except for Brian, of course, since pity was simply not something he did.

“But what about all of the good stuff?” Debbie asked, and put her hands on Blake’s and Ted’s arms to support them. “Do they totally ignore that? You two have been a stable couple since… years. You have a beautiful home, good jobs, and everything is just fine. How can they totally ignore that?”

“If you need any references…” Michael offered, and again everyone around the table nodded, except Brian, since we were still in the pitying mood.

“What about a surrogate mother?” Lindsay asked, and raised an eyebrow when we all looked at her. “Hey, just because I’m the only person at that table who’s able to give birth doesn’t mean I was offering.”

Ted smiled at her. “A surrogate is probably the only option we have left. We just thought… well, Blake was…”

“I was working at the children’s home when I had to do my social work practicum a few years ago, and since then I’ve went back from time to time to help those kids. They’re so young and beautiful and all they want is someone who loves them. And we are willing to do that,” Blake told us. “So we decided to adopt. Unfortunately it seems that we’re not allowed too.”

“Something’s totally wrong here!” Debbie got angry. Not that she was wrong. It was also somehow funny to watch her when she got angry, but as long as she didn’t have a solution to fix the problem her anger was futile. “There must be something we can do.”

“Do you guys have a lawyer?” Brian asked.

Blake shook his head. “So far not, no.”

“You should get one, a good one. I can refer you to one. You should at least talk to him about your options before you give up just because some obviously homophobic idiot told you that with a past in porn and drugs you’re not able to raise a kid. Even though it doesn’t seem that way now, gays do have some rights in this country, too. And if he tells you that there’s really no chance for you, you can wallow in this shitty pity mood later. Until then, Theodore, please get your ass back to the office and get ready for the Raymon group. We fucking need that client.”

After two seconds of silence Ted nodded with a “Yes, boss,” kissed Blake goodbye and left the diner.

“Thank you,” Blake said.

“Thank me when the little fucker starts to ruin your perfect little home.”

Lindsay bumped Brian while Blake just laughed.

I leaned over to Brian and kissed him. It wasn’t the right place to tell him that he was simply adorable, but I was sure he knew what that kiss meant.

“How’s the big move home coming along?” Emmett asked me.

“Yeah, and when exactly can we expect the homecoming party?” Debbie agreed.

Brian teased her. “You’re just looking for an excuse to come to the house.”

“You bet your ass I am,” she laughed, got up, and then glared at him. “And I don’t need an excuse to come over to see you and Sunshine, got me?”

“You’re always welcome, Deb,” I said, and as always I got the motherly smile and touch from her before she left the table to get back to work.

“So?” Emmett said, reminding me that he still didn’t get an answer.

“It’s almost done. Next week I’ll get the new computer with all the programs for my job and then… I don’t have to go back to New York anymore and the slogan will be, welcome back home! And I will have a homecoming party in summer so that you all can enjoy our big pool and beautiful garden.”

“It’s great that your pool and garden are so much bigger than ours, otherwise we would have to host all the parties,” Drew nodded.

Brian cleared his throat. “And that would be a shame, especially since your better half is a professional party planner.”

“Oh, I would love to plan your party, baby,” Emmett offered to me, “and I’ll give you a very big discount, of course.”

I gave him a smile. “I wouldn’t even consider asking someone else.”

Two minutes later Brian and I were alone at the table, and he gave one of those beautiful soft kisses before he leaned his forehead against mine. “You’re such a softie, you know that?”

“I have to be. It’s important that everyone loves at least one of us, and I figure that I’m more cut out for that job.”

He laughed at me and kissed me again. I loved those soft kisses. “When does your flight leave?”

“This afternoon. I’ll go back home and get some stuff and … then I’ll call you when I arrive in New York and you’re going to tell me how the Raymon meeting went, okay?”

It was two weeks ago now that I had decided to come back home and even though it hadn’t seemed to work out as fast as I thought and hoped it would, slowly but steadily we had gotten closer again. At first it seemed that Brian wasn’t sure how to handle us being together 24/7 again, which was little weird, since we had been together 24/7 during Christmas and Thanksgiving and summer holidays. However, after he had overheard me talking to Josh on the phone, telling him that he had to look for a new roommate, Brian started to believe that I really meant it.

Of course, I couldn’t stay immediately. On Sunday I had to go back, I had to pack my stuff, and I had to talk to Zack about it. He wasn’t taken by my idea, but he understood the reasons and my offer wasn’t bad. I would keep all my clients and would work from Pittsburgh and if it was necessary – for what reason ever – I could come back to New York for a few days.

Bill had no problem with me moving back home, since we barely saw each other anyway. Even with me living in New York we were just talking over the phone all the time.

Now I only had to go back to New York once to get the last of my stuff packed, say goodbye to Josh and the girls at work, and to … just to say goodbye to New York. After all, now that I wasn’t going to live there anymore I realized that I would miss it. I would stay the week and come home Sunday. Then I would be living at my beautiful house with the perfect studio and I would never go to bed alone or wake up alone. It really felt like coming home.

“I can’t wait for Sunday,” I whispered on his lips.

“I’ll see you then.”

“Say you love me.”

He looked at me and frowned. “I think I’ll wait until you do something so incredible that it’s justified to demand big words like that.”

We left the diner. He drove to Kinnetik and I drove home. I knew Raymon was a very important new client. It was a huge company for luxury apartments all around the world, but mainly in USA, Mexico, and Canada. If Brian would get this campaign it would be a multimillion dollar client, and it would save Kinnetik. For some reason, people stopped investing their money in shares since the last crash, and now they’re investing in real estate, which has helped Raymon a lot, and could now also help Kinnetik through the crises.


Ted's POV

Brian kept his word – of course. If there’s one thing you can build on when it comes to Brian Kinney it’s that he never lies to you. When he arrived at Kinnetik, Cynthia and I were working on the art campaign for Raymon. We all knew how much this client meant and how important it was to get.

We already had to let go of some staff members and that hadn’t been fun. Some of them cried and they were all disappointed, just as Brian was. It was totally disappointing to get overrun by a slump, especially since we were all working to the limits and Kinnetik was still a young company.

“Tell him you’re a friend of mine,” Brian said when he gave me the number of the lawyer.

“Thank you.”

“Let’s get this campaign right. We need this success.”

His plan was to get all the staff members back on board as soon as the situation would allow it. We had been a good working team, and we all knew each other. Plus finding someone new was never easy.

We were totally nervous, all of us. Of course we had to play it cool. Mr. Raymon was a family guy - at least that was how he looked. Thank god he wasn’t totally caught up in his family-life and new that families were probably not the target group for his luxury homes.

He listened to us and looked at our ads; he kept a straight face all the time, just like his assistant. It was depressing. Brian did a very good job and after fifteen minutes, everything was over and Mr. Raymon was still sitting there, staring at the ads.

“Are you able to create advertising spots for TV and the web, too?” he asked.

“Sure,” Brian said. “Wherever you want an ad, we’ll place it there.”

The man nodded, still a totally straight face. Fuck!

“Okay. I need a little time to think this over. I’ll be back in town next Monday, and I’ll give you my answer then.”

Brian frowned. “Do you want us to change anything or to get some more or new ideas ‘til then?”

“No. Next time we should meet somewhere else. It always feels so tense having meetings at the office. How does dinner sound to the two of you?”

Brian and I looked at each other.

“Dinner sounds good,” Brian finally answered. What kind of guy was he? He was totally weird or should I say, different?

“Good,” Raymon shook my hand. “And bring your wives with you.”

“Sir?” I asked.

He pointed to our hands, we were both wearing rings.

“We will,” Brian nodded and answered the handshake.

That hadn’t exactly been the coming out we were waiting for… we wanted to have a go-ahead for the campaign. After Raymon and his assistant left, I was sitting in Brian’s office. “Now what? Are we hoping that he isn’t a homophobic asshole or do we order some wives?”

Brian looked at me and smiled. “I think we got him.”

“How do you know that? He totally had a straight face the whole time; he showed no emotions, nothing!”

“Would you invite someone to dinner just to tell him no? I wouldn’t. What for? If he didn’t like it, he would’ve told us so, but he didn’t.”

“And why didn’t he just say yes?” I asked him.

“Because he’s a business man.” He nodded to me. “Go call the lawyer and get your stuff in order.”

I tried – we tried. We got an appointment pretty fast and we practically had to bare our souls to him. His name was John Heldmann. We told him everything; our past with drugs and my porn website, our present and how we wanted to live our future.

“Okay, you want to hear my thoughts?” he asked after we were done.

“That’s why we’re here,” Blake answered.

“There’s a very, very long waiting list for parents who want to adopt. So even if we win and they agree to you as parents, you have to wait probably five years before you’re going to get a baby.”

“We don’t want a baby,” Blake interrupted and took my hand. “We want an infant, 4 years old or so.”

“Okay, then it’ll be two years.”

“But how is this possible?” I asked him. “We were at the children’s home, it’s full of kids. If there are so many people who want to adopt them, how can this be?”

“The thing is, they investigate every couple that wants to adopt. And they’re not very fast with it. So the kids who are infants now are too old when they’re done with their investigation. Except of course, you’ve already chosen a kid, haven’t you?”

“Pascal,” Blake answered immediately, and his eyes brightened up. “Pascal Whitman.”

We hadn’t told anyone about the little boy because we didn’t want to give it a name yet… not in front of the others.

Blake had met him a few months ago when he visited the children’s home. Pascal was 4 years old. His parents died in an accident when he was 2, and there was no family left. I had met Pascal a month ago for the first time and he was a really cute boy, a happy child who still believed in the system. He was absolutely sure that one day his new parents would show up to adopt him.

We talked about it, day and night. We talked about the responsibility, our jobs, the money, and what it meant to raise a kid that wasn’t our own. We were allowed to visit Pascal once a week, and we did and we played with him and the last time when he saw us he practically ran into our arms.

When we left he asked us if we were going to be his new daddies. I think that was the moment when we decided to do it, to take the risk, to adopt a child – to adopt Pascal. Of course we didn’t tell him. Blake knew that it was wrong to give the kids false hope. We had to talk to the director first. We thought we had a good chance, and he seemed nice and he also seemed to be happy about it… but when we showed up the other week to see Pascal again he told us that he didn’t want us to see the boy anymore. We weren’t even allowed to say goodbye.

We told John about Pascal and our plans and the results.

“So the kid already has developed a close bond to you?” he asked.

“Right now he probably hates us for not showing up even though we promised too,” I answered. “I’m afraid he might think that he did something wrong. I don’t know what they told him.”

Blake nodded. He was still holding my hand. “I tried to call him. I wanted to explain it to him. I thought it’s the least I could do, but… I’m not allowed to talk to him anymore.”

“That can’t be good for the kid.” John leaned back and crossed his arms and looked at us. “Okay, look, here’s the deal. I will try to help you. I’m pretty sure that I can put it through that you’re allowed to see the kid again, maybe at first only under supervision. Since there’s already a bond and since the two of you haven’t done anything wrong to the boy, I see no reason to not allow you and the kid to see each other.”

I looked at Blake and gave him a relieved smile, which he answered with a kiss. We had had a really hard week since they told us that we were not allowed to even talk to the kid anymore.

“Thank you,” Blake said.

“About the adoption, I’ll need more information. I need to talk to your families and friends. I need to get every detail so that they’re not able to catch us off guard with anything.”

We both nodded. There weren’t any secrets. We weren’t stupid; we knew that we couldn’t watch porn on the TV in the living room when there was a little kid in the house. We knew we couldn’t leave a dildo on the nightstand and the shaver by the bathroom sink.

“I don’t want to lie to you. It’s probably going to be ugly. Don’t freak out, especially not in front of anyone other than me,” he said.

“Do you think we have a chance to win?” I asked. “I mean, honestly, do you think there’s a chance that one day Pascal will be… well, our son?”


TBC


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Zitat:
Changes, Part 10

Brian's POV

We had had a wonderful welcome home fuck and now we were sitting in the living room; I was studying the Raymon-stuff – again – while he was reading a magazine. I was watching him; I had no idea why I did it. It was a weird thing to do and normally I never did it. I hated people who just watched other people, practically observing them for no obvious reason. It’s stupid. There’s no sense in doing it so I tried to look away, but I couldn’t. After a few minutes it was more than watching - I started staring at him.

Okay, I could say that I did it because after three years he was finally back home, and this time for good. However, that would just be a stupid excuse for staring. It’s not like I hadn’t seen him in forever.

It was more that I had this weird feeling. Some of his stuff was still unpacked, but that didn’t mean that he was halfway out of town again. It was just… weird. Being in the house, knowing that this would be our new home for good now – with him – every day – every night…

He sighed and turned around to me. “What?”

I raised an eyebrow and shrugged. “Hmm?”

“You’re staring at me.”

“No, I’m not.” Shit… I cleared my throat and tried to concentrate on the Raymon stuff again. I managed to keep my eyes down, but I couldn’t concentrate on what I was reading. Good thing I already knew what it was about. “There’s a dinner tomorrow night. It’s important for me, and I want you to join me.”

I kept looking down at the file. As I said, it’s stupid! It’s like a scene from one of those over-top-top-romantic-supposed-to-be-funny-love-movies when the two main characters start to flirt with each other. First they’re staring at each other, but as soon as they start talking, they aren’t able to look at each other anymore.

My entire behavior confused me a lot – for months already. As much as I tried to figure out what was going on and what was going wrong, I couldn’t. But this moment, first staring at Justin like a total idiot and then talking to him without looking at him, was definitely another moment of complete weirdness and absolute confusion.

“Isn’t it a little late to ask me out for a date?” he asked. “Not that it’s not absolutely cute and romantic, but after eight years…”

“It’s not a date!” I looked at him then and I was awake again! A date, me… having a date! No fucking way! “It’s a business dinner.”

“You want me to accompany you to a business dinner?”

Judging by his facial expression, this invitation was even more welcomed than a romantic date. He practically brightened up.

“You never invite me to business dinners.”

“Well, so far no client has invited me for dinner and asked me to bring my wife.” I held up my hand so that he could figure out how this had happened.

“Did you tell them that your wife has a penis?”

“I’m sure you’ll show them. And I do not mean metaphorically!”

He leaned over and kissed me, still totally happy about it. What the fuck? It was just a dinner, why was he so fucking euphoric about it?

“Thanks,” he whispered on my lips. “I’d love to join you.”

It was Sunday evening, and normally he would have to leave at that time so after all those years and weekends with fucking goodbyes it was weird to imagine that from now on he wouldn’t leave anymore. It was hard to believe, it felt… different.

“What?” he asked again and smiled at me. “You’re staring again.”

I shook my head. “Nothing.”

“Do you want to go out? You don’t have to stay here with me if you don’t want to.”

“Do you already need some alone-time?”

He took the file out of my hand and put it down when he set himself on my lap. “It’s a special night. It’s the first night of the rest of our lives. We should do something.”

“That’s sounds epic,” I laughed. “What do you have in mind?”

Obviously he had planned to blow my mind away when he started kissing me. I put my hands under his ass and pulled him closer, which made him moaning into my mouth and me fucking hard.

“Have you ever swam naked?” he sighed on my lips.

“Not lately,” I answered, and he pulled off his shirt as got back on his feet to get himself undressed. Then I realized what he really had in mind. I laughed at him. We’ve had a very warm spring that year, but the nights were still a little cold. “It’s too cold.”

He frowned. “Get your clothes off, old man! I’m waiting in the water. Naked… and… willing.”

There was no way to fuck in the pool, it was too slippery and the lube we were using wasn’t waterproof. It worked in the shower but not in the Jacuzzi and not in the pool… we really needed to fix that dilemma soon.

I watched him taking off all his clothes, slowly, very slowly. When he was naked, he looked at me with his typical I know I’ve got you-look and fuck, he was right. He went outside and switched on the lights before he jumped into the water with a loud shout.

What choice did I have? There was a naked, blond boy in my pool, waiting for me. I took off my clothes and followed him outside. It wasn’t that cold, but cold enough to make me realize that swimming naked was nothing I had in mind that night. But as I said… what choice did I have?

So I jumped into the water and tried to ignore the not-so warm water. When I reached the surface of the water I felt his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist and his dick pressed against mine – that was helpful to warm up.

“Hi,” he said, stroking the wet hair out of my face.

“Hi.”

Even though fucking was impossible in the water, I learned my lesson about what was possible. Jerking, licking, sucking, rubbing… and whatever he did, he did it so fucking good. I always loved it that he never had been able to hold back as good I was able to. I loved to watch him come. And he was still young enough to be hard and horny practically 24/7 without being as sex-addicted as I was.

After sucking him off on the pool ladder and rubbing him – and me - off just by… rubbing up against each other, he pressed himself onto me, his arms around my neck, when I jerked him off under water. I listened to his breathing getting harder, just like his cock, and when he pressed his feet into my ass, his face into my neck and moaned I felt his warm come on my stomach for a few seconds before the water washed it away.

“Swimming naked was a good idea,” I whispered into his ear.

“I knew you would like it.” He kissed my neck and sighed. “And hell yes, it was a good idea!”


Ted's POV

I was sitting on the sofa and I really wanted to get drunk. I thought about going out to Babylon or Woody’s, just to get drunk, but then I thought that we I should ask John if we were still allowed to do that.

“One of the reasons to get married and to live in one house and sleep in one bed is to not sleep alone, that includes to not wake up alone, which I’m doing a lot lately, especially in the middle of the night.”

I turned around and saw Blake standing at the stairs.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“I was just thinking,” I lied.

“Are you still blaming yourself?” He kneeled down beside me, put one arm around my shoulders and leaned his forehead against my cheek. “That has to stop. Why do you think this is about you?”

“It’s my previous conviction.”

“If they want to find something against us, they will. We have to prove them wrong. Everyone has a past, so do we. That doesn’t make us bad guys.”

I closed my eyes briefly. “But it probably makes us unable to adopt a child. And it’s not about using drugs, it’s about the fucking porn thing.” I looked at him. “Why don’t you hate me for that?”

He raised an eyebrow and shrugged. “Because I love you. No matter what. And so far nothing’s lost yet. We just started.”

I wished I could be as optimistic as he was, but I wasn’t. I had seen it before. I had seen how they let go a homophobic asshole who almost killed a gay guy; I had seen how they dumped guys for being gay, no matter how qualified they had been for a job; I had seen how easy it is to make you out to be the worst person on this planet for running a porn-website, just because you’ve been lied too. I had seen it before. And a couple of two former drug addicts, with one of them being so called porn-king with a previous conviction, would never be allowed to adopt a kid.

“What if we don’t win?” I asked him.

He stroked my cheek. “We never have to wonder if we could have done anything more. And everyone who says that just because you have made some mistakes in your past and that you’re not able to raise a kid and to be a good father has no idea what good father is supposed to be.”

I looked down and shook my head. We knew we had to wait until John gave us a call to tell us what to do next, and it had been just two days since we talked to him, but waiting for this fucking call, waiting for an answer, was nearly killing me. “Even if we’re going to see him again, I doubt he’ll understand. He’s too young. Fuck, I don’t even understand this shit.”

He turned my head to his and kissed me softly. “Stop blaming yourself, please. You’re a good guy and I can name you at least twenty people who totally agree with me on that. Whatever happens, we’re taking it. Come on Ted, we’ve been through so much to get here, together. They won’t break us.”

I was just looking at him. There had been times when I was dreaming about a moment like this – of course without all the bullshit, just him and me, together. Practically everything I ever dreamed about since the night I met him for the first time had come true, but life somehow managed to but stones in our way.

I pulled him closer for a kiss. “What would I do without you?”

“Dream about me.” He took my hand. “Let’s go to bed. I’ll show you why it’s a good thing to share it with someone.”


Justin's POV

I was totally exhausted after 5 orgasms in one night and wondered if I would be able to survive living with Brian. When the alarm went off in the morning I just moaned and pressed the pillow over my head. I heard the shower and some of the noises he made, but I was not willing to wake up completely. An then he sat down beside me and pulled the pillow aside.

“I’ll pick you up at 6 PM, be ready.”

I yawned loud and extensively. “If you’re going to introduce me as your wife, I won’t let you fuck me for two weeks.”

He laughed, and leaned down to kiss me goodbye.

I needed another hour to wake up completely just to realize that I had to get up because I had work to do, too. This wasn’t a holiday anymore; this was home now, a part of my daily routine. So I took a shower and went to my studio where the computer was sitting. My first day at home. It was cool.

It was really cool because I could listen to music, and if I was in the mood to I could just get up and start dancing through my studio because I was alone. It was also easier to work. I was a lot faster because no one interrupted me. I talked to Zack twice about some new clients and to send him my latest work.

“Justin, there’s something I want to talk to you about.”

“Sounds serious. It’s just my first day out of New York…”

He laughed. “It’s not about work, everything’s fine. It’s about Rage. It’s been running through my mind for a while now, but it never seemed to be the right time.”

“What about Rage?” I asked him.

“You once had an offer to make an animated show about Rage, right?”

“Yes.”

“I know you and your partner turned the offer down because of the contract, but… what if I offer you to create a Rage animated series just the way the stories are already out there - no limits, not cuts, nothing - and to put it online.”

Huh? I didn’t see that coming. “Online? On the internet? You’re talking about a web-comic?”

“Yes.“

“What’s the fly in the ointment here?”

“There’s none, I think. I would sponsor it, and since it’s adult rated, we can’t offer it for free. We have to talk about the price and if we could offer a subscription. All I want is 15 % of the profit for offering the web hosting and of course you can use the company’s computer and programs.”

“Wow!” Really, I didn’t see that coming. “Wow…”

“Is that a yes?”

That was an amazing offer. It was cool. I had already thought about creating a web-comic, but so far I hadn’t found the time for it. With Zack backing it, it would be a lot easier, and he had some very helpful connections.

“I have to talk to my partner about it but… I’m very optimistic.”

“Good. And since it would be work for the company, too, I would set you free from new clients for a few weeks so that you have time to create it.”

I so loved this job. “I’ll call you as soon as I talked to Michael.”

“Okay.”

As I said, working at home, alone, offered me to do some crazy things like jumping around, dancing and screaming and getting totally euphoric.

I called Michael, and he was as euphoric as I was – of course he was.

When Brian called at 5.30 PM to tell me he was on his way to get me, I knew we would be a little late for the dinner, because fuck… we had to celebrate, and we did! Since didn't have much time, I was already completely naked when he arrived home.

“When I told you to show him that you have a penis, I didn't mean it that way.”

“I thought we should be totally relaxed in order to convince that guy to become your new client,” I said and started to undress him. Fortunately, it wasn't hard to talk him into fucking me, and we had learned from former 'incidents', so there was a sofa in the hall waiting for us to use it.

It was a hard and quick fuck - exactly what I wanted it to be. I had known Brian long enough to know what it meant when I got a hard and quick fuck when he came home from work; there hadn't been any other fucks during the day so far.

He fell on top of me, his face on my neck, his hand in my hair, his dick in my ass, and I was relieved that he couldn't see the satisfied smile on my face. “See, now you're relaxed.”

He laughed and pulled out of me. He kissed my back when he got up and slapped my ass. “I’ll relax you even more when we’re back later. Get up!”

I did. We got dressed and I told him about the Rage webcomic and our plans. It was typical for him to not fall into a euphoric jumping dance like I did, I didn’t expect that. He just nodded and kissed me and whispered into my ear what he would do with me later that night.

Sometimes things change slowly. You realize it, but don’t see a way to stop it, at least not at the beginning. And sometimes something happens that changes everything and you have to react immediately to prevent it from getting worse…


TBC


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Soulmatejunkee Soulmatejunkee ist weiblich
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Böser Cliffi!!
Aber ich mag die Ted/Blake Story total gerne! Ja

P.S.: Und danke für Update aufm LJ! Auch wenn ich beinahe geweint hätte!

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das mit der rage online animation hört sich doch gut an

die Ted/Blake adoptionsgeschichte gefällt mir auch gut.

schön dass B/J jetzt in ihrem Haus wohnen und sich der riesen kasten endlich rentiert.

mal sehen wie es jetzt weiter geht, scheint ja tränen treibend zu sein, wenn ich SMJ post richtig deute

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08.11.2011 16:03 jesaku ist offline E-Mail an jesaku senden Beiträge von jesaku suchen

Steffi Steffi ist weiblich
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Zitat:
Changes, Part 11

Justin's POV

When we arrived to dinner, Ted and Blake weren’t there yet, so it was my big moment or our big moment or something like that. It was the first time Brian had brought me along to a business dinner and he would have to introduce me. Call me weird, but I was curious about how he would do it. In the past, all he has ever said was “That’s Justin,” but he has never introduced me to someone as his boyfriend, partner, or however he might define us.

Timothy Raymon was a guy in his fifties, he looked nice, reminded me a little bit of Ryan O’Neill. And he really had no clue about who I might be.

“Mr. Kinney,” he greeted Brian and shook his hand, before he looked at me. “I’m sorry, I was expecting Mr. Schmidt.”

“He will be here,” Brian answered, and put one hand on my back, when he said: “This is Justin Taylor, my partner.”

Partner… that was a big moment for me and it ended up in total confusion for Raymon. He greeted me, of course and gave me a warm smile, but it was obvious that the word “partner” didn’t tell him what kind of partner I was and that I was not his business partner.

“You’re very young to already be a partner of an advertising company, Mr. Taylor,” Raymon said when we all sat down around the table. “That’s very impressive.”

“Partner in life,” Brian replied and nodded. “He’s my partner in life. The other half of the ring, so to speak.”

I knew he was very tempted to use the word wife, simply because it was the word Mr. Raymon had used when he invited Blake and I, but he didn’t.

“Oh!” After two seconds of complete confusion Raymon burst out laughing. “I’m sorry, but sometimes it’s just funny how one’s first impression can fail. I thought you were a married guy with two or three little kids. You know, married and settled with a girl from high school.”

Now I had to laugh.

We had another quiet funny moment when Ted arrived a few minutes later and introduced Blake as his husband. I somehow felt a little sorry for Raymon actually, now he was surrounded by two gay couples and even though you’re a tough guy and not homophobic, that’s a lot to handle. I’m sure he wished he would’ve brought his own wife to the dinner.

We small talked for awhile, and I think he relaxed a little when he realized that we weren’t weird or different. After a few minutes it was almost as if we were old friends.

“So, as much as I enjoy dinner and small talk, maybe we could discuss the job at hand for a moment,” Brian said before dessert.

“That’s why we’re here,” Raymon nodded, “and because I always want to meet the people I work with in privacy to find out if I can trust them. I like your campaign, you did a good job.”

“But it’s not what you were looking for?”

I was very impressed at how calm Brian seemed to be, when we both - we all - knew how important that client was for Kinnetik.

“Well, the reason I came to your company was because I really enjoyed some of your older campaigns, especially Remson and Brown Athletics. Honest, sexy, cool… I like that. I know that selling luxury apartments is not as dramatic as an incurable illness and also not as sexy as a young football player, but… it was the reason why I came to your agency. As I said, the campaign is very good, but I think you can do better because it’s been said that Brian Kinney is the best and I want the best.”

Again, Brian acted totally cool. “What did you have in mind?”

“I want you to stay in one of my apartments for a weekend – with your partner… in life,” he laughed again and shook his head. “It might help you to imagine what it means to own a place like that.”

“Wow.” That was all I was able to say. I had seen the prospectus; I knew what these apartments looked like.

“We have seven apartments we use as show suites: Miami, New York, San Diego, Las Vegas, Dallas, Vancouver, and Acapulco. I let you choose which one you want to visit,” he continued.

“Acapulco,” I said and they all looked at me. Oops! But hey, what the fuck… I was the partner that was offered to stay one weekend with the king of advertising in a luxury apartment that almost dumped the Trump Tower apartments – almost.

Raymon smiled at me and nodded to Brian. “You can have the apartment the weekend after next, Friday ‘til Monday. I’ll give you another week to create the best campaign for my company you can come up with. Deal?”

It was a challenge and Brian loved to be challenged. I don’t think he ever rejected one. So of course his answer was “Deal” – not in the least because he needed Raymon as a new client.

I was totally euphoric… I know it was a business trip, in a way, but not for me. I would be in Acapulco, in a luxury apartment for three days!

“Do you know how beautiful Acapulco is?” I asked Brian when we drove back home. “No, don’t answer me. Just act as if you have never been there before okay?”

He laughed.

That day was definitely one of the best days in a long, long time. First the offer for Rage and then the luxury-weekend. When we got home, I was still babbling about Acapulco and the sun and the beach and the ocean. As soon as we were inside Brian grabbed me and kissed me. At first I thought it was just one of those kisses to shut me up because I knew I was babbling but couldn’t stop, but then I realized it wasn’t… it was a real kiss.

Soft, tender, lovely, with longing, and passionate. One of those kisses that always means something, maybe something he couldn’t say or something he felt but had no idea how to put it in words.

He leaned his forehead against mine and whispered. “It’s good that you’re here.”

And so I knew what the kiss had meant: I missed you. I needed you. I want you here.


Brian's POV

At the end of our way back home it wasn’t necessary anymore to go to Acapulco because Justin somehow managed to tell me simply everything about it. I knew he was excited about the weekend and so was I, but probably not for exactly the same reason.

The dinner hadn’t been what I wanted it to be. I needed Raymon as a new client; it was important for the company, it was important for me. The economic situation had become worse and worse, and it seemed that there was no way out, but I had no intention to give up. I had heard that Vangard had to lay off some staff, too, and that Vance had even considered closing his company.

I wanted to survive. I couldn’t give up. What then? I would loose a lot of money, way too much money and the club didn’t yield enough profit to pay for itself, the loft, and the house.

So Raymon was practically my last chance. We still had Remson and Brown, but both companies had to deal with the bad economic situation lately and hadn’t wanted to order big campaigns until it got better. We weren’t in danger, at least I wasn’t, but if there wouldn’t be any changes (for the better) soon, I would have to lay off some people again. I really hated having to do that.

I couldn’t sleep that night. I thought about Raymon and what he told us. He wanted something big, something special and he was willing to pay for it. I was the one who had to work something out that convinced him that Kinnetik really was the best advertising agency he could get.

“You’re going to create the best campaign the world has ever seen.”

I almost had a heart attack. “Jesus.”

“I’m sorry,” Justin said, and put his hand on my shoulder.

I sighed. “I thought you were asleep.”

“I know you’re worrying about Kinnetik and I know how important Raymon is for you. And I know that you’re not giving up until you’ve got him. And you will get him. You always get what you want.”

I looked at him. It was dark, there was only the moon shining through the windows. “I do?”

“You got me, I am everything you ever wanted, right?”

I laughed and sighed. “Fuck, I wish I already had an idea.”

“Don’t push it. The more you push, the less will happen.”

“I thought we got him,” I admitted. “I thought he would say yes.”

Justin got up on his arm and leaned over me. “He didn’t say no. I think he really liked you and your work. If he didn’t he would’ve told you no. Now we have a free weekend in Acapulco coming up and there’ll be this one perfect idea! You’ve never failed Brian; you’ve never doubted your talent. Now is a really bad time to start that.”

I raised my head and kissed him. Then I pulled him down on me, his face was lying on my neck and I could smell the scent of his shampoo lingering in his hair. I wasn’t used to sleeping in the house during the week, nor having someone beside me during night, it was still weird. Also the thought of not saying goodbye to him next Sunday, of not going back to an empty loft… it just didn’t feel familiar yet. It felt good, and welcome.

He was still lying on me when the alarm went off the next morning, and he was yawning and moaning again, just like yesterday morning. I could feel his morning erection on my thigh and my own pressed against his stomach.

Morning sex, possibly every morning from now on… god knows I missed it.

“I know exactly what you’re thinking about,” he mumbled against my neck and pulled the blanket over us when he started to crawl down on me. Well that wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, I was thinking about a shower for two, but who am I to stop him when he was willing to give me one of his precious blow jobs?

When I arrived at Kinnetik, Ted and Cynthia were already awaiting my arrival, both completely turned on by Raymon’s wish to get something special and – I have no idea what they had done during the night – they had some ideas and their ideas weren’t bad.

“Maybe we should focus on a commercial,” Ted said. “I think it’s easier to sell luxury when you can take a look at it.”

“TV spots?” I asked.

“Sure, TV, Internet, everything.”

“And for the graphics and billboards we need a really amazing idea,” Cynthia nodded. “Something that … well, blows your mind away, to speak in your language.”

For some reason the second she said that I thought about Justin on that billboard. I sighed and laughed, I was so fucked up. But then… he was fucking gorgeous.

“Mind blowing…” I looked at them. “That’s a good place to start. We need more information. How expensive are the apartments, do they offer some help for financing and loans, or is it really just for people who are super rich? How much does the cheapest apartment cost and how much is the most expensive? Ted?”

“I’m on my way, boss.”

Cynthia looked after him and then turned back to me. “We’ll get him, right?”

“That’s the plan.”

“Good. What do you want me to do?”

I bit my lower lip. So far we hadn’t been in the Acapulco apartment, but we needed to start somewhere. We couldn’t wait two weeks. To create a whole campaign with commercials in one week was almost impossible and as we knew now, it had to be mind blowing.

“Check the apartments, all of them. How many rooms do they have, are they meant for families, couples or singles and then… start the castings.”

“On which group do we focus?“ she asked.

I shrugged. “On all of them.“

“Got it.”

“Oh and Cynthia… I need two flights to Acapulco for Friday in a week and two flights back to Pittsburgh for Monday. For the rest of information, please contact Mr. Raymon.”

She nodded and I knew Ted had already told her about Acapulco. She left my office.

I sat down and closed my eyes. This sucked. Normally I loved to create a new campaign, the bigger the better, but I hated to do it under pressure. Some people say they work better when they’re under pressure, but I don’t, at least not when the pressure is so hard that it practically decides if you survive or not.

“But I need to talk to him, now.”

“No you can’t… hey!”

I looked up and saw Cynthia trying to stop someone from storming into my office – unsuccessfully.

“Claire,” I said. What the fuck? I hadn’t seen my sister in a while. Well, I had met her a few weeks or months ago, but we just looked at each other, no one said anything. There was nothing left to say since what had happened a few years ago. Not that we ever had a lot of stuff to talk about.

“I’m sorry, Brian,” Cynthia shrugged.

“It’s okay.” I leaned back in my chair and looked at my sister. She looked exactly like Jack: she had his face, his eyes. “What can I do for you?”

“You could’ve called me back. What’s the point of having an answering machine?” She sat down on the table in front of my desk.

I frowned. I couldn’t remember listening to a message from her, but then… I hadn’t been at the loft for almost two weeks. Practically ever since Justin decided to come back home I stayed at the house to prepare everything and waited for him to move back.

“Haven’t been there in a while,” I said.

“I had to contact that Debbie woman to find you,” she said and made a face, as if contacting Debbie was the worst thing she had ever done in her life, while I was thinking about killing Debbie for telling Claire where she could find me.

“And you found me”, I nodded. “Just for my safety… I haven’t seen either of your precious sons since one of them called me a child molester.”

“It’s about mom.”

I hadn’t seen my mother since that time she showed up here just to tell me – again – that I would burn in hell and that giving me cancer was God’s plan to wake me up. Since then, I had no intention of seeing her again and it seemed that she hadn’t either.

“What about her?”

“I thought you might care that she died last week.”

TBC


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Changes, Part 12

Briann's POV

The whole thing was just surreal.

I had no idea how to feel. Sad? Relieved? Shocked? I hadn’t seen my mother in years; I hadn’t talked to her and now she was dead. Just dead. Gone for good. I also had no idea what Claire expected me to say or do.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said. It was a stupid thing to say, but she caught me off guard.

“You’re sorry to hear that?” She shook her head. “You’re such a selfish bastard! Where have you been the last several years?”

“I was right here, and she knew where to find me.” It was easy for me to keep up with her hateful look; I never had a problem standing up to my older sister. We’ve never been that close. Maybe we were closer when we were kids, but the older we got, the more we drifted apart. She was a master of ignorance as she always acted as if nothing happened. Every time our father came home drunk and started to yell and then ended up beating the shit out of me or my mother, she never acted on it. She never asked if we were okay. She ignored it the way my mother did. That was probably the reason why they were close, they just didn’t talk about it.

Claire crossed her arms and looked at me as if I were the devil-incarnate. “What was she supposed to do? She knew you didn’t want to see her. Do you have any idea how hard that was for her?”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Oh please!“

“She was sick Brian, very sick. Two years ago they diagnosed her with breast cancer, and she went through a hard time. She could’ve needed you! I would’ve needed you!”

I couldn’t help myself… I had to laugh. It wasn’t funny actually, but it was kinda ironic. I wondered if my mother had found a good reason for god to give her cancer since it couldn’t be a punishment, could it? “She needed me… what for? To blame her sickness on me?”

Claire closed her eyes briefly. “Three weeks ago they also diagnosed her with cirrhosis of the liver that was caused by her drinking. She died last Sunday.”

I just looked at her for a few seconds. “You needed eight days to figure out how to find me and yet you have the nerve to blame me for not being there?”

“I tried to reach you,” she defended herself. “It’s not like you informed me that you had moved and started your own company.”

“Mom knew where to find me. So don’t act as if she would’ve cried her eyes out because her gay bastard wasn’t there for her.” Of course I had never told my mother about the house, but she knew about Kinnetik so it was obvious that they either never talked about me or that my mother never told her how to reach me. But yes, I could imagine that both of them somehow expected me to just show up because, after all, we were family.

“Anyway,” Claire shrugged. “I won’t pay for the funeral by myself. I don’t have the money for it and she had nothing saved.”

“When’s the funeral?” I asked.

“It was last Friday.”

What the fuck? I frowned. “You already buried her?”

“That’s how it works, Brian. Someone dies and you bury him.”

“And then you thought, oh well, wait, I still have a brother who was always able to make some money. I have to find him so that I can blame him for being a selfish bastard because he wasn’t there and let him pay for it.” I felt betrayed. I had no problems paying for the fucking funeral, I also didn’t need to listen to the priest to tell me what a wonderful child of god my mother had been over the years and that god would take care of her soul… but fuck, she had been my mother and… she was dead and I seemed to be the last person informed.

Claire seemed totally unimpressed. She was still standing in front of my desk, her eyes full of disgust. “I’m going to sell the house. Maybe it will pay out what she’s cost me for the last few years. You should get your stuff out of there otherwise it’s gonna be tossed.”

“There is nothing there I want.”

“Yeah, I thought so. The second you left for college you started to act as if you didn’t have a family. I’m sorry your plan didn’t work.”

“Fuck off.”

“She was your mother, too. It’s your responsibility, too. I took care of her all these years; you never showed up to be there for her. Paying for her funeral is the least you can do for her. And for me.”

“I said, fuck off.”


Debbie's POV

When that woman showed up at the diner and told me she was looking out for Brian Kinney I needed a minute to recognize her. It’s been a little while since I had seen her, and she was definitely not a person I ever wanted to see again. She was unfriendly and her eyes were totally cold.

But what choice did I have when she told me that Joan Kinney had died and that she needed to inform Brian about it?

I knew that Brian and Joan didn’t have the best relationship, and I knew it was complicated. She wasn’t easy to handle and I knew she often hurt him, but as a mother, it’s impossible for me to accept that there are mothers out there who simply aren’t able to love their kids just the way they are.

Sometimes I saw her at the church and she greeted me, but we never talked... not since the last time when I told her that Brian had cancer. Their relationship didn’t change after that so I assumed that either she didn’t call him or something had gone wrong again. I never asked him and he never told me.

I always felt sorry for her. Even though she prayed to god practically all the time, she always seemed so distant to everything and everyone. She seemed unreachable.

But death was different. It was final. There’s nothing you can change anymore, nothing you can say, nothing you can do and there’s barely one person on this planet that doesn’t have any regrets. Not even Brian Kinney.

I was willing to admit that the kid had changed a lot during the last few years. He grew up a lot. He was finally able to open up to other people. He had never been a bad kid, he was just totally fucked up. There’s no kid that’s been born that way, it’s always the circumstances that makes them closed off, building walls around their heart and playing it cool all the time. Circumstances like a not-so warm and lovely childhood.

All I knew about Brian and his family and his childhood was what Michael had told me, and it was barely anything good. So I understood why Brian always pushed people away as soon as they became too close to him, I understood why he tried to keep his heart safe – it was already broken in pieces.

But even though I knew him and I understood him, or maybe because of that, I had always tried to protect him from himself because he had really bad ways of handling bad news.

Justin's POV

I finished my last project and sent it to Zack. I was now able to start working on the Rage webcomic.

I was totally excited about it. I had three weeks to create the first issue, and I thought that this was a lot of time, but I was wrong. Anyway, I talked to Michael about it and promised him that I’d show him the first draft as soon as it was ready.

I had done some comic stuff before for some of our clients, but creating Rage - able to move, to speak, to show emotions - was different. I wanted it to be perfect. It had to be perfect. So I spent seven hours creating Rage as a living figure, before I even started with J.T.

It was 7 PM when my back started to hurt from sitting in front of the computer all day so I went back to the house. Brian wasn’t home yet. I called his cell phone. It rang almost ten times before he finally answered it.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” I said while walking through the kitchen. “Still working?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I don’t want to interrupt you. I just wanted to know if I should order some food? Do you have any idea when you’ll be home?”

Silence… a weird silence.

“Brian?”

“Yeah, look… I really have a lot of work to do for Raymon and I need to clear my head. I thought about grabbing something at the diner and going to Woody’s and Babylon.”

“Oh…” I leaned against the kitchen table, “…okay.”

“I’m going to stay at the loft tonight. It’s easier.”

“Sure.” I tried not to sound as disappointed as I was. It was just Monday night, the second night I was back home and he already needed a time out? I knew that from time to time he would take a time out to go to Babylon, to dance, to fuck… and I would deal with it, but I wasn’t expecting it to happen the first day I was back. “I could come over and we could go togeth…”

“No”, he interrupted me harsh, I almost winced. What the fuck? Had I done something wrong? His voice got softer when he continued. “I really… I just…”

“What’s wrong?” I asked. Something was wrong, obviously. When he had left the house in the morning everything had been fine. Sure he was nervous because of Raymon, but now it seemed that he was annoyed by me. “Brian?”

“Nothing’s wrong okay? I just need some time alone. I’ll see you tomorrow.“

And then he hung up on me. I stared at my cell phone. “Asshole!”

Brian's POV

It had been a while since I was at the loft. It felt cold and uncomfortable, and I wondered when that had happened. I listened to Claire’s messages; two messages by the way, only two. I was waiting for the moment for it to sink in that my mother was dead.

I sat on the sofa and winced when my cell phone rang and looked at the ID. It was Justin. I stared at the phone for a while before I finally answered.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Still working?” He sounded happy, of course he did, why shouldn’t he?

“Yeah,” I lied to him.

“Okay, I don’t want to interrupt you. I just wanted to know if I should order some food? Do you have any idea when you’ll be home?”

I couldn’t take it, him, his voice, this… everything. He was waiting for me. Why the fuck was he waiting for me? Why couldn’t he just be in New York becoming a famous artist and not giving a shit about me?

“Brian?”

I swallowed. “Yeah, look… I really have a lot of work to do for Raymon and I need to clear my head. I thought about grabbing something at the diner and going to Woody’s and Babylon.”

“Oh... okay.”

That hadn’t been the answer he wanted to hear. He was disappointed. I disappointed him. That seemed to be my life’s mission.

“I’m going to stay at the loft tonight. It’s easier,” I said, and yes, I thought about going to Babylon, getting high, and finding a stupid trick I could just fuck to get my fucking head clear – free of all the bullshit!

“Sure.”

It was his second night home, and even though he had told me that he didn’t have a problem with me fucking around or going out, I knew he actually did. He wouldn’t show it… at least for a while, but then he would and then we would end up exactly where we had been before. He would realize that I was nothing more but a fucked up asshole and he would leave.

“I could come over and we could go togeth…”

“No”, I interrupted him and closed my eyes when I realized that my voice sounded very harsh, way too harsh. “I really… I just…”

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

Fuck! Fuck this! All of it! Fuck Babylon, fuck Woody’s, fuck the loft, my sister, my mother, fuck it all! I wished I could just disappear!

“Brian?”

“Nothing’s wrong okay?” I tried to not sound annoyed, but it didn’t work and I knew it was not fair, but I was angry, I was pissed off. “I just need some time alone. I’ll see you tomorrow.“

I hung up on him and started at my cell phone again. Then I heard a knock on the door right before it opened.

“I knew I would find you here.”

I nodded and looked down. I didn’t want to see anyone, but I knew it was pointless to try to get rid off Debbie so I didn’t even try. She got in and placed herself beside me and then we sat there in silence for a few seconds.

“Nothing to smoke?” she asked.

I laughed and shook my head. “Already done, didn’t help.”

“Maybe it would’ve helped me.”

“If I would’ve known that you would show up, I would’ve got some more pot.”

“That’s not why I’m here, but it probably would’ve helped,” she said and took my hand. “Listen, I don’t want to tell you how to feel and what to do. I know that you sometimes tend to handle things in a way that isn’t good for you. Like sitting here alone when you don’t have to be alone and shouldn’t be alone either.”

I continued to stare at the floor, but then I felt her hand on my cheek. She turned my head so that I had to look at her. She had this mommy-look, the one I always wanted to see in my mothers eyes, but never saw there, not once.

“Don’t cut him out. Don’t push him away. Let him in.”

She kissed me and then she pulled me down into a hug. And I let her, just for a while.

“You don’t need to be strong all the time,” she said. “It’s unhealthy, can cause stomach ulcers, and you’re way too young for that.”

I had to laugh, just a little, but kept enjoying her hug.

“When’s the funeral?” she asked. “We won’t let you go there alone.”

“The funeral was last Friday.”

She took my face in her hands and looked me straight in the eyes. “She didn’t even give you the chance to say goodbye to your mother?”

I just shrugged. I had no idea if I would’ve gone to see my mother before she died. I hadn’t done that with my father either. There was absolutely nothing left to say between us. “We’ve never had a happy visit so why would there be a nice goodbye?”

Debbie stroked my cheek. “Don’t stay here alone. Come over to my house or go to Michael’s or go home. But don’t stay alone. Don’t seal yourself off and don’t start to rebuild these fucking walls again.”

I could see in her eyes that she was very serious and that she was really worried about me. I couldn’t explain it, that feeling. It felt safe and warm and honest. And so I just nodded.

“Please take care of yourself.”


TBC


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Ich liebe Debbie in diesem Kapitel.
bria, Clair und Justin hast du auch super getroffen.
UND Ich will auch nach Acapulco

wann gibts nachschub?

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Dabei seit: 19.05.2007
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90210-Liebling: Kelly
Lieblingspaar: Kelly & Dylan

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Ach Brian, armes armes Brian! Traurig
Ich mein, eigentlich würd ich den lieber treten, weil er wieder den Mund nicht aufmacht, aber es ist so typisch Brian! Und Debbie ist einfach "the best"!

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Dabei seit: 16.05.2007
Beiträge: 10.755
90210-Liebling: Kelly
Lieblingspaar: Kelly & Dylan

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Zitat:
Changes, Part 13

Justin's POV

I waited. I had no idea for what, he had told me that he wouldn’t come home, so there was no reason to wait for him, but I did it anyway. I waited in the kitchen, I waited in the living room, I waited under spray of the shower, and then I waited in bed. It was only 11pm. It felt weird to be in the bed alone. I had never been alone in the house during night, in the bed, yes, like when he had ditched me while I had the flu during the summer a few years ago, but I’ve never had been alone in the house. It felt wrong even though I knew it would happen more often in the future; not just when Brian felt like fucking someone else, but he would also be away on business trips.

I sighed and leaned against the pillow. I wasn’t tired, I was angry and I was disappointed, but I couldn’t even say if I was more angry at him or myself. I knew this would happen and I had told him that I was okay with it, so it was not fair to be pissed about it. But I never expected it to happen so soon.

I winced when my cell phone rang and grabbed it, just to sigh again when I saw the ID and realized that it wasn’t Brian. It was Michael. At 11pm?!

“Michael,” I answered the call.

“Hey, I’m sorry I’m calling so late, but I can’t reach Brian. He shut his phone off and I don’t have your number… at the house, so… is he still awake? Can I talk to him?”

He sounded worried, he sounded pitiful.

“He’s not here. He wanted to go out tonight: Woody’s and Babylon.”

“And you let him go alone?” Now he sounded reproachful.

“Who am I, his mother?” What the fuck? The last thing I needed was someone who reminded me that my boyfriend didn’t want me around on only the second night I was back home.

“Mh… I… don’t know what to say.” Now he sounded confused.

And I was confused, too. Why would Michael call so late just to blame me for not following Brian to Woody’s and Babylon? Why would he call so late and sound so fucking pitiful?

“Michael, why did you call?” I asked him. “I mean… what happened?”

“Well, calling him was the least I could do after I heard about it.”

“Heard about what?”

“That his mother died.”

I closed my eyes. “That his mother died.“ I repeated Michaels words. “Oh my god.”

“You had no idea, did you?”

“No, I had no idea.” I got out of bed in two seconds and grabbed my clothes.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t know, I thought he told you.”

“Yeah, one would think that.” I sat down on the bed again. Maybe there was a reason that he didn’t tell me. Maybe there was a reason why he didn’t want me to be there, maybe he didn’t need me – maybe he needed Michael. After all, Michael was his best friend and knew his parents. “Who told you?”

“I met Ted at Woody’s and he told me that Claire had been at Kinnetik this morning and that they had an argument, a pretty loud one and everybody heard it and then Brian left.”

So Brian hadn’t called Michael either. Fuck, I had no idea what to do!

“But he wasn’t at Woody’s when you were there?” I asked him.

“No, he wasn’t. You know him; you know his pain management techniques, right? I just wanted to know if he’s all right.”

It was too early to be at Babylon already so he had to be somewhere else. I needed to be with him. Even though he didn’t want me there, I had to be there. Even if all I could do was to tell him that I was there, even if he would only push me away.

“His mom… I only met her once, I don’t know…”

“Neither do I,” Michael said. “He never talked about her. It was always all about his dad. His mom never did anything. All he ever told me was that she drank too much and that… she’s cold hearted. But that’s it.”

I nodded. A stupid thing to do, he couldn’t see it. “I’ll find him.”

“Let me know if you need anything okay? No matter what time it is.”

“Sure. Thanks.” I still had no idea what to do. I even expected myself to call Michael sooner or later, simply because he was the one who knew Brian since he was a kid, he knew about his childhood, his parents and how much they sucked. I only heard about it, but Brian never talked about them or his sister or how they lived when he was younger.

I got dressed and grabbed the car keys – I got myself a brand new dark red Mini Cooper. It was my first car that was all mine and so of course I fucking loved it. Brian didn’t. He called it a shoe box and refused to drive with me so far. I knew he would change his mind sooner or later, but I decided to let him rant for a while. He had wanted me to buy a Jeep Wrangler, the same as what he once had. Not that I wouldn’t have loved to have a Jeep, but as soon as I saw the red Mini Cooper I totally fell in love.

Anyway, I grabbed the keys and ran down the stairs, took my cell phone and dialed Brian’s number. In the next moment the door opened and he came in, with his cell phone in his hand, and stopped when he saw me. I guess one look from me was enough for him to know that I knew what had happen.

And there I was, still not knowing what to do. I was happy to see him, he came home, he didn’t go to Babylon, but still… Brian never had been the guy who was easy to care of. He normally played it cool, especially in front of me. The only time he gave in was when he had cancer and I really didn’t give him a choice in the matter.

I put my cell phone aside and walked over to him.

“Where were you going?” he asked. His voice was quiet.

“To find you,” I answered and took his hand, relieved that he let me do it. “Michael called and told me about your mother and I wanted to find you because no matter what you think or do, I wanted you to know that I’ll be here if you need me. And if you need Michael… we should call him.”

He kept looking at me. I tried not to look too pitying because I knew he hated it. I’m not sure if it worked, but so far he hadn’t pushed me away and hadn’t told me that it was Michael he needed.

“Want to talk about her?”

He shrugged. “There’s nothing to talk about. She died last week because alcohol induced cirrhosis of the liver.”

I just nodded. “When’s the funeral?”

Now he laughed, somehow and shook his head while he pushed my hand and pulled me with him upstairs. “The funeral was last Friday.”

“What?” I followed him. “What… the fuck…?”

“My sister wasn’t able to find me and I hadn’t been at the loft for a while, so I didn’t get her messages.”

How stupid was his sister? Brian Kinney was easy to find if you knew how to use Google. So… obviously she didn’t really want to find him.

“Guess it’s easier to blame me when I’m not around,” he mumbled. “But then… they never had a problem blaming me whether I was around or not.”

He pulled me into the bedroom and onto the bed. He was still holding my hand, but he didn’t look at me. He laid down on his back and closed his eyes.

“Of course, I’m allowed to pay for the fucking funeral.”

I put my free hand on his chest. “Brian…”

He laid his free hand over mine. “Can we please… can we… not talk?”

His eyes were still closed and he was holding both of my hands and it didn’t seem that he wanted to let me go.

“Sure,” I said and laid down beside him. I just watched him. I knew he wasn’t asleep and I knew it was sort of out of character for him to be here, with me, instead of fucking his brains out in order to forget or to ignore what had happened. I wondered how he ended up coming back home, but of course I didn’t say anything. I was glad he was here with me and that he let me be with him.

I never saw him cry. I’ve seen him being sad and helpless, but he never really cries in front of me. It was probably one of his stupid pride things. He was the older one and when we first met he also was the stronger one, at least that how it seemed to be. He knew more about life and gay life than me, and he became my mentor, so to speak; especially in the beginning when we were still far from being partners. Sometimes it seemed like he still saw me like that: the kid he brought home that night, the kid he could easily impress with simply everything he said and did. You don’t break down in front of someone who – at least once – looked up to you.

I still do look up to him. He’s still very impressive, but through all those years he became also more human to me and we became more equal. I knew he wasn’t always strong, I knew he was vulnerable and insecure. I learned my lessons. But since he has never talked to me about his childhood and his parents, it was practically impossible for me to completely understand why he thought and acted the way he did. Why he was so fucking unpredictable from time to time and why he tended to push people away instead of trusting them to not be disappointed in him when he wasn’t as strong as he wanted to be.

After almost fifteen minutes, he pulled his hand away from mine, which was still lying on his chest, and put it over his eyes. And then I saw some tears. I didn’t move, he was still holding my other hand and I was still touching him. I wanted to do more, but I was afraid that if I started to push him to open up completely he would totally shut down.

His hand was still over his eyes when he said: “The last time I saw my mother… she told me that god gave me cancer to punish me because I was gay and that I would burn in hell.”

Wow, this woman really knew how to hurt her son. I swallowed.

I moved closer to him and leaned my head against his. I didn’t let go of his hand. “You know, my grandmother always said that she doesn’t want to go to heaven when she dies because all the interesting people would end up in hell for their evils simply because no one is perfect. She always wanted to meet John F. Kennedy. So, if you want to meet James Dean one day, a guy who drank and took drugs, who lived on the very sunny side of life for a short while, and I know you want to meet him, you’re absolutely going the right way.”

It took him a few seconds, but then he started laughing. I knew it wasn’t an honest laugh, he was upset, he was sad, probably angry and for sure disappointed that he had such shitty parents, but he didn’t push me away. He seemed to finally accept that no matter if he broke down or not, I wouldn’t leave him nor would I stop loving him or start seeing him as a wimp.

He let go of my hand and turned around so that we were lying face to face. He still had tears in his eyes when he leaned forward and kissed me, softly, no tongue. It was weird, but all I could think was that he hadn’t fucked someone else, that he hadn’t been at Woody’s or at Babylon because I would smell it.

He put his hand on my cheek and kept his lips close to mine, we didn’t really kiss; it seemed that he just wanted to be close, to keep contact.

“I love you,” I whispered on his lips. “I really love you.”

He didn’t answer; he just kissed me again, softly. I didn’t need him to answer; I just needed him to know and to believe me.

“I never wanted to be like him,” he then said with a broken voice. He had that tone, too, when he told me that he wanted to change his life if he survived cancer. It sounded so vulnerable. “I hated him.”

“Why do you think you are like him?” I rubbed my nose against his.

“That’s what I’ve been told since I remember.” He sighed quietly. “You’re just like me, son. We’re not family men. I never should have a family. And my mother totally agreed with him. You’re just like your father, totally selfish. All you care about is yourself.” He looked at me, almost scared. “I never wanted to be like them.”

“You aren’t.” Good god, what kind of people were they? Did they ever say anything nice to their kids? “I wish I could say something to make you stop believing their bullshit because they obviously had no idea who you really are.”

But now I knew why it was so important for him to be perfect and why he fought so fucking hard against love, marriage, family, and a monogamous relationship. It hadn’t worked for his father and since they always told him that he was exactly like his father had been, what else than fighting against simply everything that man had impersonated – an unsuccessful married guy with a family, caught in a supposed-monogamous relationship that was also supposed to be built on love, and on top of that he was full of regrets – could he do?

And how helpless must he have felt when he realized that he was in love, despite of the fact that he was always told that love wasn’t meant for him? He never had the chance to figure out what he really wanted and who he really wanted to be.

“I’m sorry you didn’t have a chance to talk to her before she died,” I said. “And I’m also sorry that I never had a chance to talk to her, which would’ve been fun!”

He laughed briefly. “I’m sure she would’ve loved to pray for your lost soul, too.”

“Forlorn hope.”

“Good.”

He fell asleep a few minutes later and I pulled the duvet over us before I turned off the alarm so that he would sleep as long as necessary. I was sure Ted and Cynthia would take care of Kinnetik for the time being, and even though Brian probably wouldn’t agree with me, he had to accept it.


Brian's POV

When I woke up it was very bright in the room. I blinked a few seconds and moaned. Why the fuck was I still wearing my pants and my shirt and my shoes? It felt totally uncomfortable.

“Good morning.”

I blinked again and saw Justin sitting beside me, his laptop in front of him. He was working… in bed? What the fuck?

But then it came back, all of it: Claire, my mom, Debbie, the loft, Justin… last night. He put the laptop down and moved closer to me. I felt his hand on my cheek and I closed my eyes again. Did I really drive home instead getting drunk and fucking some nameless trick? Did I really end up here, only to cry in front of him?

“How did you sleep?” he asked.

“Good.”

“And how do you feel?”

Yeah, how did I feel? I wasn’t sure, I was totally confused. How the fuck did that happen? How the fuck did I become a guy that stopped getting drunk and stopped fucking around? How the fuck did I end up at home, almost sober, but in my suit instead of naked and completely hung-over in the loft?

I felt Justin’s lips on mine, just a soft kiss and I knew that was the answer to all my questions. But unfortunately it didn’t make me feel better in that moment. The opposite, I felt trapped.

“What time is it?” I asked.

“Almost noon.”

That woke me up completely and made me fucking angry. “What the fuck? Why didn’t you wake me?”

“Because I thought you needed some sleep. And yes, I know that you have to work on the campaign for Raymon. I called Ted this morning and he said that he and Cynthia are still busy getting all the details you were asking for and that they would call as soon as they were done.”

“Fuck that, I’m not sick!” I jumped out of the bed. “Stop acting as if I needed a babysitter.”

He sighed and fell on his back, his arms crossed behind his head. “I knew you wouldn’t agree with me, but I wanted you to feel comfortable.”

I looked at him and had problems to breathe. Whatever I felt, it didn’t feel comfortable. I remembered last night, every word that had been spoken. Every fucking word I had told him, things he wasn’t supposed to know. Fuck, being sober sucked. I felt totally exposed.

Justin stood up on the bed. He walked over to me and put his arms on my shoulder. I looked up to him, still unsure of what to say, but I could feel my heart beating faster and not in a good way.

“Do you want to visit her grave?” he asked softly and his fingers touched my lips. “It’s a way to say goodbye.”

It felt like I had a string around my neck that was strangling me and it scared me. I couldn’t stand this, him being so close, me being practically transparent to him. I still could barely breathe. I had to get out of here as soon as possible.

“Don’t touch me,” I said, as loud as my voice let me and got out of his arms.

“Brian…”

“I have to go!”

I grabbed my clothes and practically fled out of the room and the house. I don’t know if he followed me to try to stop me… I couldn’t hear or see anything. It was like a tunnel and I tried to reach the light at the end. I jumped into my car and drove to the loft. I only needed 15 minutes and when I arrived I was still breathless and it felt as if I was carrying a heavy burden with me. I closed the door behind me and I fell against it, slid down and felt the tears running down my face.


TBC


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02.12.2011 21:49 Steffi ist offline E-Mail an Steffi senden Homepage von Steffi Beiträge von Steffi suchen Fügen Sie Steffi in Ihre Kontaktliste ein

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